מוסר אויף שיר השירים 8:6

The love of sons and daughters: The love of sons and daughters is necessitated by nature, for they are the bone from his bone and flesh from his flesh, and even "a raven cares for its children" (Ketubot 49b). But one must take care that his love does not overturn boundaries, that he does not make his son suffer and longs for him greatly and gives him extra love. Shlomo has already said in his wisdom (Proverbs 13:24) "One who spares his rod hates his son, but one who loves him rebukes him." And the essence of love is love of the soul, and included in this is love of oneself, for "the son gives merit to the father" (Sanhedrin 104a). As it is written (ibid 29:17): "Punish your son and he will give delicacies to your soul." Therefore, a person should be careful to behave with his son with open rebuke and hidden love, according to what he understands in his youth. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a youth, a rod of rebuke will distance him from it" (ibid 22:15). But the father should take care not to be cruel to his child and not to hit him and give him a bruise out of anger. Rather he should lead him with gentleness and with mercy he should hit his legs, not on a place where he will sustain a wound like between the eyes. And when he is older, "a rebuke enters deeper into a man of understanding" (ibid 17:10). And it is known (Moed Katan 17a): that he who hits his adult son transgresses because of the sin of putting a stumbling block before a blind person, etc. This does not refer to an actual adult, rather according to the son's understanding and character traits" when he is older and does not accept rebuke, "a soft tongue breaks the bone" (Proverbs 25:15) and he will not be lenient in his own honor so that his reputation will not be ruined. And he [the father] needs to be even more careful with that which our rabbi cautioned (Shabbat 10b): One should not teach his son when he is among other boys, for "jealousy is as difficult as the grave" (Song of Songs 8:6). The principle is: according to the mental ability and character traits of the son is how a father needs to behave with him in a way that he will not sin. If he does sin against him, he should be quick to forgive him so his son will not be punished on account of him, and he should not be exacting with them, and sometimes he should make himself like a deaf person who does not hear and as if he does not see, and sometimes he should submit his will to their will. And this is a major principle for one who wants to bring merit to his soul and the souls of his sons after him.

And included in this love [of his wife] is that one should not wander [i.e. leave] far away on a distant journey for a long time, for besides the fact that he causes harm to himself, as will be explained in the section “thought” with the help of heaven, he also brings pain to the body of the wife. For “love is strong as death” (Song of Songs 8:6), and when her husband is separated from her, she is poor and afflicted; she lives a life of sorrow. At the very least he should be careful to appease [her] with words, with letters of peace to “soften the blood of love”. And according to what he can afford he should at times send gifts and pleasing things to his wife to revive her crushed heart, bring pleasure to her soul, and diminish her pain, and it will be considered as a great mitzvah whether [the gift is] small or large.

When there will be this complete love for God, may He be extolled, then there will grow forth reverence from that love, for we see that whenever a man loves another man because of good qualities that are within him, this love becomes a yoke upon his neck and compels him to seek and fulfill the will of the beloved. He will find no rest unless he exerts himself in matters pertaining to the beloved and in such case, the exertion will be sweeter to his palate more than rest. When the lover does for the beloved a thing which finds favor in the latter’s eyes, then the soul of the lover becomes more precious in his own eyes, because he is able to find favor in the eyes of his beloved by doing a thing which is good in the eyes of his beloved. If the lover should chance to do a deliberate or an unpremeditated sinful act, or anything which does not please his beloved, then the lover will be confounded and ashamed and he will steal away as an entire people will steal away when they are ashamed. This pertains to the power of love which is like an iron yoke upon him to cause the lover to yield to the beloved, as Scripture says (Song of Songs 8:6), “For love is as strong as death.” Since love causes the lover to yield to his beloved and do the will of the beloved with double willingness, we must explain why there is in love this power. We say that the love of the lover for his beloved comes about because of the good qualities which are in the beloved. The soul of the lover must also contain a portion of these good qualities. Therefore, the little that is contained of these good qualities in the lover draws him exceedingly, just as every kind is drawn to its kind. This is a sign of a generous soul, that he is drawn after every honorable thing, and this is love. The willingness on the part of the lover to yield to the beloved in order to fulfill the will of the beloved arises from the fact that the lover recognizes the superiority of the beloved over him, just as the pupil recognizes the superiority of his teacher and the servant recognizes the superiority of his master. He therefore yields to his beloved by recognizing his superiority over him. Similarly, with regard to a lover’s fear of his beloved: it is as a servant fears his master, a pupil fears his teacher, because of the latter’s superiority. More than this, he hopes to learn continually from the teachers qualities, from his wisdom, and from his instruction. These qualities impel the lover to fear his beloved. If this is so, then it has been clarified how fear proceeds from love. If we say that love such as this and the lover can be found among ordinary people, then we know that in this manner we can describe the love of man for the Creator. If it should be said that one cannot compare the love of the created to the love of the Creator, blessed be He, he would answer that although we are created beings, still the love which is customarily shown by man for the Creator—even though there is a difference between the beloved who is created and the beloved who is the Creator—is the same, for there is no difference between the power of the beloved of God and the power of the mortal lover who is created, for they are one. Therefore, the Creator, blessed be He, seeks nothing of a man but that he love Him with all his power, and this will be as important in His eyes as though he loved Him according to the love that is due to Him. Now, it is interesting to note that the righteousness which we ascribe to the Creator, blessed be He, consists in this, that we are not able to do anything for His glory save that which is within our power to help our fellow men, and the Creator receives it as though we had given Him love that is worthy of Him.